The Deane Diet Wk 24 – Road Rage


Things have been a bit dodgy this week, because for the most part I was out of ‘the routine’, and that can have a big impact on what you eat and when you eat it. Because we were playing West Brom on Monday night, I stayed at mum’s to watch it, and got back home Tuesday. I’d felt sluggish for much of the weekend – probably the overindulgences of last Friday – and a beautiful Sunday dinner didn’t go down well with Diet Yoda, so I really only had three days to get back on track.

Overdosing on grapes, strawberries and Tesco ‘Value’ yoghurt for 72 hours straight, though, isn’t going to suddenly cancel out half a pig, a field full of cauliflower cheese and 23 roast spuds, so when my cousin Caro called on Wednesday to say she was bringing the kids to Liverpool for a couple of days, and did I want to join them for tea?,  I had to put another gag on Diet Yoda and lock him in the meter cupboard while I sneaked out to ASK on Queen Square.

What I wanted...

What I wanted…

Going to an Italian is worth it just to look at the menu and daydream about various pasta/cheese sauce combinations, but I was good and asked for the poached salmon instead…which turned out to be the only thing they didn’t have. As I felt all resolve crumbling, I just about managed to utter “chicken and pancetta salad, please….” before the four cheese pizza pixie took over my brain. Having said that, we did sneak a bottle of wine onto the table at the last minute.

What I got...

What I got…

Thinking about it, there was no reason I couldn’t have spoiled myself because, as usual, it wasn’t my food choices that were going to send me into calorie oblivion, it was the alcohol. After the bottle we had with dinner, I went with Caro and the boys back to their hotel and watched some of the Champions League matches in the bar (2 x Hoegarden), before going up to the room to get the kids settled, while Caro and I gossiped over a shop-bought bottle of Pinot we’d sneaked in. I drank most of it, admittedly, but if I’d not had anything to drink at all, I’d probably have been under my allowance and still on track.

Excelsior: Where all the fun begins this avvo...

Excelsior: Where all the fun begins this avvo…

Thursday was a bit hard going – doesn’t take much, anymore, for me to feel rubbish the next day – but Friday was good, with some bargain strawberries from London Road market that were just the job for lunch, and I even found some fresh pak choi for last night’s stir fry.  Today, however, is an afternoon/evening with ‘the gang’, which I’ve been looking forward to for ages, as it’s rare we all manage to get together in one place at the same time in a non-football environment. No-one knows where we’ll end up, but Dale Street sometime around 5pm might be messy, if anybody wants to avoid it.

I am not talking about Liverpool’s results this week. There’s no point, and I’d rather look to the next two matches, in what’s going to be a vital week for us. Swansea is a chance to finally bag the points we know we should have got in previous matches, and Thursday…well, there’s no place quite like Anfield on a European night. I’d rather we weren’t chasing a result, but at least it means we’ll have no choice but to go at it from the kick-off. I honestly think it’ll be Zenit under more pressure than us, and if any team knows how to overturn a deficit, it’s us. I could have put the second leg under ‘Things I’m Dreading’ for this week, but I’m not. I couldn’t be more up for it.

Things I’ve  Learned This Week

1. Pedestrian crossings are not for pedestrians

Islington: death trap

Islington: death trap

I nearly got run over this week. In fact, I nearly get run over most times I try and cross Islington. It’s an 8-lane dual carriageway, with pedestrian lights at the big crossroads. One set for the 4-lane westbound traffic, and another set for the 4-lane city-bound traffic. At the junction, there’s a green filter light for outbound right turners, and a dirty big “NO U TURN” sign. While that filter is on, the green man is also on, for pedestrians on the city-bound side, to cross to the middle island. But the amount of f**kwits who think a green filter light also means “do a U-ey at your earliest convenience” must be higher than the national average.

In the eight and a half years I’ve been crossing that road, the number of near-misses I’ve had, is off the scale. I’ve even been ‘touched’ by cars at least three times, because they perform their U turns at such speed, with no warning and, worse, they don’t even look. Today, for instance, the woman didn’t even see me, gabbing to her mate in the passenger seat as she swung the car round at 20mph (doesn’t sound fast, but it is…), and it was only the horns of three other cars that drew her attention to the fact she was not only breaking the law, but was about to kill somebody. I’ll admit I completely lost my temper and shouted a few choice words through the window at her. In fact, she’d come so close to me, I could have opened the car door and given her a slap. Yet she still saw fit to show me the finger, as she roared off, because obviously it’s my fault that she can’t f**king read.

In case you hadn’t guessed, I’m just sick and tired of having to take my life in my hands every time I have to cross that damn road. The council aren’t arsed, as proven by their replies to my numerous complaints, which usually begin “Dear Mr Deane…..”. And if the council can’t even read, then why should I expect twats behind the wheel to? Someone will die, before anybody does anything about the problem. At the very least, they should reconfigure the crossing priorities, so that the green man doesn’t come on at all, while there’s traffic moving anywhere else on the road.

Rant over. For now.

Things I’m Dreading This Week

1. Killing a U-turning f**kwit.

The next person that does that….seriously, it’s going to be me or them. And let’s face it, it’s them.

2. The Fridge

Or, more precisely, mum’s fridge. I’m decamping to Mossley Hill Towers all next week, as we have my niece, Mollie, on half-term hols from Grimsby. Technically, this shouldn’t make that much difference to my diet, as there’s always fruit and yoghurt available, and mum’s always cooking healthy stuff for tea. But the fridge also contains cheese, and lots of it. And there’s a bread bin. And butter. And stuff like that. Everywhere. So I just have to exercise some willpower. There’s nothing that can go wrong.

This Week I’ve Mostly Been Watching…

1. The Amazing Race Season 21

Natalie & Nadiya: Annoying, annoying, annoying...

Natalie & Nadiya: Annoying, annoying, annoying…

I decided to not bother with the missing eps and just ploughed through regardless. I don’t think I missed much, though, as this season was a bit underwhelming. They had the prerequisite annoying pair – twins Natalie and Nadiya – and the cute gay couple (who won), plus the standard meathead boyfriends + airhead girlfriends, but there was little drama. After 21 seasons, this show obviously needs an injection of something. Heroin, perhaps.

2. Sons of Anarchy – The Torture

"Can you say my line? My botox is still setting..."

“Can you say my line? My botox is still setting…”

I’m persevering, and it is improving, very, very slightly. The supermodel surgeon still annoys me intensely, as there’s just no way she can go perform baby heart surgery and then find time to pluck those eyebrows so acutely. But I’m going to try to make it to the Season 1 finale, at least, even if the thought of 4 more seasons is a bit frightening (I won’t be able to get that time back, after all…). I think the main issue I have with it, is the precinct; that it’s set in the world of biker gangs, a world driven by testosterone and bragging and ‘men being men’, whatever that means.

Aside from the long plots, they have short plots for each episode, which usually involve someone crossing the gang, and who then have to get their comeuppance. This ‘justice’ involves stuff like burning tattoos off people, or blowing them up, and I think we, as the audience, are supposed to sit back punching the air, going “yay, take that, you muthaf**kas!”, when in fact I’m thinking “that’s completely pathetic, and you’re all twats…”.

The majority of the female characters are either whores, druggies, or girls-who-want-to-become-whores-and-druggies, and the only two women with any ounce of common sense, are the matriarch (whose current storyline involves battling with the menopause – ie: she’s weak after all…), or the surgeon, who has to be shaggable, otherwise there’s no point her being there. It’s all very misogynistic, but I hate giving up on something, so I’ll prolong the torture until, hopefully, by Episode 13, one of the whores does us all a favour and goes cock-hunting with a Bowie knife.

3. The Following

"So, the Pensive-o-Meter....up a bit? Down a bit?"

“I’m ready for my pensive close up…”

Too many flashbacks. Too many scenes of The Bacon just standing there,  looking pensive. Too many naive characters who fall under the serial killer’s spell simply because he says “hello” to them in an English accent. Too many mad people who are really bad at acting mad. Come on, Purefoy, show us some real evil!

I miss American Horror Story: Asylum. At least that was proper bonkers.

The Stats Bit:

Month 1:   8.75lbs

Month 2:   5.25lbs

Month 3:   1lb

Month 4: 0.5lbs

Weeks 17-18 (Christmas & NY!) – plus 3.5lbs

Week 19: 6lbs

Week 20-21: 0.5lbs

Week 22: 2.5lbs

Week 23: 1.75lbs

Week 24: plus 2.75lbs

Total after 168 days: 20lbs


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