This will be short (ish) and sweet, even though I’ve missed a week, because yes, I ate too much, I drank too much, I did all the wrong things when you’re trying to lose weight, but the main problem right now is that I’ve put my back out again, and it bloody hurts.
Those who know me, will know that I suffer from a weak back, on account of sitting down all day writing, and sometimes not moving for 5 hours straight. Once you’re “in the zone”, you’re just lost to humanity, and there’s nothing you can do about it. At the end of 2011, twenty years of consistent lack of movement finally led to my upper body slowly compressing the discs in my spine, until one day my back just decided it had had enough, and stopped working. I spent all night on the couch, unable to move, unable to get to the phone, until finally I dragged myself to the bedroom the next morning, literally screaming, and was able to call mum, who had to practically break into my apartment to get to me. The following 4-6 weeks were hell, and it was a while before I could throw away the sticks and even walk normally.
Like they say about childbirth, however, once the pain has gone, you forget how agonising it was, and you slip back into bad habits. This Christmas Day, I was sorting some music out on the laptop and went to stand up and I felt “it” kind of go again, but it wasn’t disabling, more a bad twinge. I was careful the rest of the day, but two days later, the arl’ back went for good again, and I’ve spent the days since, popping pills (in the wrong dosage, it turns out), and generally just crying and cursing. Thankfully, I was (and still am) at mum’s, so I’ve not been alone, but the drugs don’t seem to be working, and every step is eye-wateringly painful. Sitting down hurts, standing up hurts, lying down hurts, everything hurts and I’m pretty much at the point where I just want to cut my own head off and be done with it.
Throw in two piss-poor-paying jobs I couldn’t say no to, one debt collector threatening to do me in, and a bout of vertigo, thanks to having to do all my typing upside down, and it’s not been that much of a Happy New Year thus far.
Weight-wise, well, it’s easier to eat a sandwich when you’re disabled, than it is to juggle a spoonful of grapes and yoghurt, so my weight has (relatively) shot up in the three weeks I’ve been here in Liverpool 18. I’m not that worried about that, as I now know how to shift 6lbs in one week (see Wk.15), so once I’m mobile again and back home, I’m confident I can get things back on track. The plan, was to lose 1lb a week, over about 48 weeks, around 3.5 stone, so I’m not that far off the schedule. And you’re allowed to go bonkers at Chrimbo, right?
Until then, I have to reluctantly rely on mum’s hearty cooking (OK, so it’s not that reluctantly…), and stay off the bread, which is just Satan, in carbohydrate form.
Things I’ve Learned This Fortnight
1. I never learn
The doctor told me, quite forcefully, last year, “you have to move, lots of times, every day. If you don’t, this will happen again…”
2. Debt collectors don’t even take Christmas Day off
Seriously, they don’t. They actually left me a voicemail at 11am, Christmas morning. Because I’m going to return that call, right? Unbelievable. Bastards.
3. Bread is evil
One slice of bread is 100 calories. There is no difference between white bread and wholemeal bread, it’s all bad for you, whichever form it takes. Standard sliced, ciabatta, French stick, brioche, Danish, crostini, bruschetta, it makes no odds. There is not one single, redeeming quality about bread that even justifies its existence. Apart from it being bloody delicious. But that’s all.
4. Too much wine gives you a hangover
Things I’m Dreading This Fortnight
1. The pain not going away
I should be used to it by now. I’m a woman, it’s not like I’ve not had practice at managing pain, but this is a whole different level. The only doctor I trust only works Wednesdays and Thursdays. She’s in Everton, and I’m not, so I’ve just got to hope things get better by next week. I’m walking as much as I can bear, which is the only proactive thing I can do, but I have these two jobs to do, which mean 10 hours a day for 10 days. Not much room for movement in that, literally.
2. Mansfield Town
I think we’ve been playing some great stuff recently, even if we are a bit schizophrenic. One week we destroy a team, the next we just roll over. Watching Luis Suarez is a perpetual joy, but I’m more pleased with watching how the team is finally starting to gel together. But please, please, please, boys, do not go to Mansfield on Sunday and think it’s going to be an easy win. And Brendan, please don’t put a ‘second string’ out (do we even have one?). Put out the strongest XI, and let’s give Mansfield Town a hammering, a proper going over. It’s what we’re capable of, and it’s what we should do. We want to go into the United game next week with every single one of our players itching to get back onto the pitch. None of this ‘resting’ b*****ks. Let’s dish out a proper beating. I’m in enough pain as it is, I don’t need it adding to with a shit result on Sunday.
3. Not meeting deadlines
I’ve never missed a deadline in my life (I don’t think). If there’s one thing I’m especially anal about, it’s submitting on time. Being freelance, my reputation is everything, reliability is key, and the second you miss a deadline, is the same second they stop asking for you. Over the next 10 days, I have to rewrite 1000 soundbites about celebrities, to make the text unique. It shouldn’t be a hard job, but it means 100 a day, so 10 an hour for 10 hours a day. And that’s just the first job. The other, is a rude novel-ette for a new client, who could throw regular work my way if this piece I’m doing for him is of a sufficiently filthy quality. Right now, I need Marty McFly to come by and show me how to fire up the DeLorean.
This Week I’ve Mostly Been Watching…
1. The Amazing Race Season 16
Yay, finished it at last, but my favourite cowboys didn’t win. Jet and Cord were pipped at the post by the most annoying winners ever, Dan & Jordan. It was the only season to date, where I’ve hoped one of the safety cables on one of the dangerous tasks, would snap. Our Phil still looks hot, though. When he arches that eyebrow, something very weird happens to me…
I love Pointless. Or rather, I love Alexander and Richard. My friend, Will, and I, auditioned for this once, but they didn’t pick us, which I’m still very mad about, as it would have been my tenth quiz show. As it turned out, my tenth quiz show would be The Chase, which was an utter waste of time, as the filming coincided with the first time I put my back out. To say I was drugged up to the eyeballs during that show, is putting it mildly. Anyone who saw it can see I was more spaced out than the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi on LSD. At least, that’s my excuse for not winning, and I’m sticking to it.
The Stats Bit:
Weeks 1-4: 8.75lbs
Weeks 5-8: 5.25lbs
Week 9-12: 1lb
Week 13-16: 0.5lbs
Weeks 17-18 (Christmas & NY!) – plus 3.5lbs
Total after 136 days: 12lbs